Fan Fiction Musings on Motives (journal entry)

Claire Avalon

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Violet Nowak
Claire Nowak
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I am good?

That's an idiotic question. I do good...I can. I have a set of skills and a desire to use them. Do I really care who they benefit? Of course I do. This profiler stuff does a number on the brain. I love my training. I love to get inside the heads of people. I know why, I've been in enough therapy to get the gist. As a child the emotional unpredictability of my father and the lack of affection turned me into a supercomputer for detecting micro-feelings. That's all it is when someone calls themselves an empath. Just a traumatized child trying to feel special. You learn the weight of someones foot on the hall outside your door and you know their mood when you hear a key in the lock. I learned what people feel so that I could learn what they need. Either to become it, or to poke the bear. But poking the bear is really just studying the bear. Every reaction is a lesson. I ate it up...still do. And with a little help from the ACME training academy I've learned to tell the difference between the "I had this planned from the beginning," look, and the "I'm trying to make it look like I had this planned from the beginning," look. And I can see it with just half a face visible. I can see it from grainy security footage and C5 car dash cams. I've learned the difference in moods from handwriting, from the level of sarcasm in a retort. Everything is data and it all means something! That is the addictive part.

And the opera thing, it seems unrelated. I guess I just wanted a way to scream and have it seem impressive. But there's something to it. Music is the ultimate tool for emotional exploration, and opera is the ultimate music. Or at least that's what I tell myself. Truth is once I'm good at something I don't really like to branch out. I don't want to try something unless I know there's a solid chance I'm going to be really, really good at it. I'm not there yet with opera, but I want to be great. I want to be unquestionably one of the greats. I've got a heart condition, it's slowed me down. And profiling kept me sane for a while, desk work people watching for curious humans who don't like boundaries. So on the days I'm too weak to stand, let alone power through Amneris's arias in my Aida score, I obsess over criminals. I comb through their files and evidence like an absolute stalker until my brain doesn't feel like my own anymore.

And she, she's the perfect puzzle. Like so many of us, I'm obsessed. I want to turn over every stone, watch the ants scatter and see where they hide next. I want to wrap myself up in information until I know her better than I know myself but...why? To see her brought to justice? There's actual scum I want brought to justice. There was Dr. Maelstrom, Lee Jordan...actual creeps with no regard for human life or...elegance. Why the hell do I care about elegance in a robbery? Probably the same reason she does. That's my job. I want so much. But do I want her caught?

The answer, I think as I fill out my ACME application, means the difference between me submitting this or crumpling it up and narrowing my dream to the stage. There's a part of me I know belongs to me alone, not to my father or to my mentors or even to Carmen. My integrity. I can't do this job if I would let her get away. Even if I'm not in the field, if there's a part of me that would, I can't do this. And I won't fool myself pretending. But one thing is for sure. Before I do a damn thing, Carmen and I need to have a long talk. And for once, I think I'm entitled to some very direct and verbal answers.
 

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    hi this is invader IF ANYONE SEES CHASE please ping them for me I cant get into my account and I cant get a reset password email either even though i have whitelisted this site
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    hi
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    I am at my whits end I cant ping them here if i cant get in
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    ok
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    let me try
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    ((OOC: If anyone can get ahold of Invader (or Invader2), might want to let them know @Chase hasn't been seen for over 2 or 3 years... no idea, unless it's a test of us to not get out of hand or something. Invader might have to make a new account (not sure how that'll work, using the same e-mail address), but I don't know who has admin rights here besides Chase and maybe Carmen and possibly Ivy. For a while now, it's seemed like the higher-ups have left us maybe in charge for a bit.))
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    If there's a league of extraordinary Men why isn't there for women? Carmen would DEFINITELY be the extraordinary women 😄
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    Invader, have you checked your spam folder. Sometimes, I've had password reset emails go in there
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    @Deric Storm She says she's already done that and she has the site whitelisted
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    ((So... is it me or does the board not process double-space between sentences as double-space? Kinda bugs me, but I'll live))
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  • I (Guest) invaderhorizongreen:
    Deric Storm said:
    Invader, have you checked your spam folder. Sometimes, I've had password reset emails go in there
    yes I have checked spam nothing
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    I even have the site white listed, for a wild shot can any of you post a new question in the guessing game I had set up
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    I would like to see if that will get my email to ping
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  • I (Guest) invaderhorizongreen:
    I know that might just be a shot in the dark but why not try
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    Sure why not?
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    I hope you get it fixed Invader!!
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    Lucy Lucy: I hope you get it fixed Invader!!
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