✯ THE BAY GULL✯ - ✪ Everyone's Guilty Pleasure! ✪ - San Francisco | Friday, February 14. 2014 | Vol. 001 Issue 002 Click for original size ACME Getting Wasted? - Reports of alcohol consumption by ACME agents is going through the roof. Apparently a new wave of shiny new drinks appearing in the Neutral Grounds Bar has detectives and faculty hooked. Are we smelling a major liquor sponsorship or is this a nefarious plan from V.I.L.E. to keep their worse nemesis inebriated? Swiping From the Supply Closet - by Superman - Your very own reporter, while on a complimentary tour of the ACME Academy, couldn't help but notice the telltale marks of forced entry into a room marked ‘Storage and Supplies.’ Did someone forget a pencil, or does this closet hold more than office supplies…? Ask Abby: Dear Abby, I use to many ellipses to express myself... Do you think this is self-destructive? Will I ever be able to talk to normal girls? Signed - Ellipsis Emoter Dear Ellipsis Emoter, If people being driven to take drastic measures against you because of your repeated silence doesn't count, then ellipses are not self-destructive at all. They are, however, extremely annoying. This may sound blunt, but if you ever want to talk to normal girls, you have to change your ways. Start by going to your nearest bookstore to find yourself a nice English dictionary. It is a lovely thing. There are more than a million words to be used, and normal girls like words. Silence will not make them happy. -Abby Click for original size Five Tips for Dating Success - by Catalina Quita. Multi-billionaire, bachelor Bran Brychanson sat down to discuss his keys to success in the wild realm of wooing females. Sorry girls, you don’t get any tips this Valentine’s. Better luck next year. (1.) It’s all about the scarves. -Brychanson says scarves convey individuality and confidence, two attractive traits that will set you apart from the other guys. As a lesser known bonus, scarfs also provide extra warmth in the winter. (2.) Ditch the skinny jeans. - Brychanson summed up this tip with an instantly classic quote, “We won’t discuss this. Just do it”. (3.) The door, please. - “It’s a simple gesture but will increase your odds with the woman significantly”, Brychanson maintains. “If you go out of your way to open doors for everyone, not just the person of interest, it will have an even greater impact. It’s a common courtesy, really.” Now this actual sounds like good advice. Imagine that. (4.) Become Robin Hood, Hawkeye, the Green Arrow, or... Merida. - Brychanson asserted that women love a bow wielding warrior. Obviously that must be the only use for a bow in this day and age. (5.) Give the gift of flowers… Welsh flowers. - “Flowers can be a rather cliche gift, but Snowdon lilies are priceless. Combined with the fact that they take skill to procure, this is frankly a remarkable offering.” Got that boys? Snowdon lilies -- Get some. Click for original size Breaking News: Cootie Outbreak Imminent! - With the oncoming St. Valentine's Day celebrations we would like to remind you that cooties can strike at anytime and at any place. They are usually carried by attractive females. Don't let their blinky eyes or firey red hair or exotic accents fool you. This warning brought to you by the BB Center for Disease Control. Valentine Messages - We recieved a slew of messages named and unamed. See if your lovy dovy snookums wrote you something below: To my Tanyuchen'ka - Ты будешь моей Валентиной? - Zack D. Monaghan Goodwin, I like the way you handle the library books. - Gunnar Svensson Carmen: To the world's greatest thief-of-my-heart. Derrin: The only ammunition you need is my love. Ivy: I've seen you training and I think you're a real knock out. Ann: I would secure a grant because I totally dig you. Patty: Give me back my damn cufflink. Adrianna: You are the big game hunter of my soul. Sara Bellum: You make me wish to do science! Eartha: The grass is never greener than your lovely hair. Anja: I can not wait to love you to-Moro, when I can love you today Cali: You're Rio Grande! Constance: You fill my stomach with Morpho Paleides. Kid: To my favorite grunt - Happy Valentine's Day. Molly: I wish to Garden your love and trust. Rose: Every rose has its thorns, but I’ll brave those thorns for you. Sophie: Doctor Doctor, give me the news, I'm sick with love for you. Colleen: Be my Valentine, it would be the ultimate upgrade. The Bay Gull is formulated from the contributions of Catalina, Superman, Rose, Ivy, and Zack amongst various other sponsors. Advertise today! Contact Bay Gull Disclaimer: The opinions of The Bay Gull is the sole property of no one. Really, don't sue us.